As an empowerment coach my focus is on how my clients can make decisions that bring more joy and satisfaction in their lives. An area that may be challenging is to establish boundaries so that my client feels empowered to live with less stress and more self confidence. Holding to the boundaries may require a person in my client’s life to make changes.
For example, my client may feel the person is constantly disrespectful of time or space needs. Or an individual may not respect my client’s opinions or priorities. Below are some strategies for when you feel your boundaries have not been respected and the other person needs to make a change of behavior.
1. Listen to the words you are using in demanding a change. For example, saying, “I want you to stop [fill in the blank],” does not show any consideration for what the other person wants. Another approach would be to say, “Having you [fill in the behavior] doesn’t work for me. What might we agree to that would work for both of us?”
This approach can lead to a discussion that includes the individual in the decision that affects him/her directly and possibly create a compromise that works for both of you.
2. Consider habits you have developed that allow, or even encourage, the undesired behavior to continue. If you have accepted, or put up with the undesired behavior in the past, then you have trained the person to think that there are no consequences for not making the change.
It’s up to you to decide the consequences of continued unwanted behavior. It’s important to determine if you will really carry through with the consequences because when you don’t carry through you are giving permission for the unwanted behavior to continue.
3. Be certain that you hear what the person says about why they are refusing to change. You may, or may not be sympathetic to the reasons, but hearing those reasons can give you insight into how the person values the behavior and the relationship with you.
Sometimes you may repeatedly request a change of behavior and the person refuses to change. In that case it suggests that there is no buy-in or benefit to the person you are talking to. It can mean that the person does not care why you want the behavior to change because it’s more satisfying for the behavior to continue as is.
The holidays can be stressful for many families. Become empowered by establishing your boundaries now to minimize the anxiety and chaos for a more relaxed season.
